May
Life is full of surprises and to me its hell of surprises that I’m into. No matter what I do or what I think or whatever I might write its always the same as before and some times it is worst than before. Some days ago I read an article about being staying healthy. It was a simple magazine which stays being into regular depression increases the risk of health. I don’t know whether it is true or not coz I always stays in that mood no matter how best I try to avoid that.
There are loads of complain why this is not happening, why I only suffer, why I, why that. I’m tired of these questions. Yet mind does not put these things aside to think some thing new. May be I haven’t tried that much or to that level so that errors could be eliminated to have a better future. I’m sick of my family member behaves to me. My dad I though he would made himself a great dad. I’m wrong. He couldn’t make himself the best out of him; in some issues he is too selfish and too contradictory. Over the past few days he is not behaving well when I told him I got an admission to a Swedish university, he is not happy to hear that. Though, I never mind as I’ve dropped the issue out of mind. I’m not going there.
Through this years of ups and downs of life I’ve experienced you could not make everyone happy. At some point you got to loose more depending on your status, your position, your money and the environment you are in. I guess what! adapted to this loss to some extent.
Some times I think why I blame my fate. I could have easily utilized my time in a proper way. This bullshit society is pinching at everything creating an unforeseen fear in mind. But it is true, this crawling life made me loose some important parts and skills of life. Ma, I already lost her. It is not that she is blessing in her absence or watching over me. Nothing happening, all is that is moral issue and some religious wording. Never mind guys, its my personal opinion. All that matters is One’s physical existence in life. As long as Ma was alive she put the family through right track. Now it’s our own. Dad thinks in his own way. He thinks I’ve done enough of my duty “ I made my elder son married, he is now his own and last duty remains is to make my younger son marry thats all. Nothing more then pray to GOD all the time “Hore krisno Hore Nam” and eat whatever mind wants irrespective of health issue coz he can’t eat when there will be disease. What a bogus thought of ending life.
I mean I have seen other’s parents who are still active in mentally and physically at their 80’s. Once I told him learn computer at home then you can experience some new adventures at your finger tip, do some writings. “He replied I’m not that modern. My only work is cutting vegetables and cooking food. Kheye ne tora baper gahre, bap ranna kore dicche.” Who the hell says to cook and feed me, I never told that. Earlier I thought it was a great work of a family now, I think it’s a waste of time nothing else through which I’ve wasted a lot of my time.
I don’t know how far my mind has evolved, I don’t feel pity. Don’t feel absence of ma, don’t feel anyone’s love- a kind of psychopath. Friends list dropping day by day, loosing interest in movie but still ha ha laughing. And hear the wonderful theology of my elder brother “Hsh hsh! career nia cinta korbina, career kore dibo”
Never mind he is right from his part. Actually I’ve heard those languages so many times that can’t separate other words from them.
Oops! What I’ve written just a time pass. I’m loosing my esteem. I take rigid decision one time yet again go backward 100 times. But I’ll take something rigidly. Then some one will be happy and may be someone will feel bad or some one will get angry. Really I don’t give a shit about that.